Lately I have been the subject of much frustration in our household as I seem to be so unsure of what it is that I want. Not what I want for dinner or where I want to go on vacation but bigger questions like, "What do I want to do with my life-career wise?" and my personal question of "Do I want to have children?". Now, I know those are some big Q's to drop on a carefree little Monday posting but it is just so confusing when I seem to change my mind every other second. I go on a job interview and seem so excited and then afterwards I'm like; "Well, even if they offer it, I don't really know if I want it." Where did the excitement go? I've been thinking about it a lot and I don't know if my wishy washy (a very technical term) attitude is because I am afraid to get into a job once again that doesn't make me happy or if I just got a bad vibe and really know that's not what I want to do. So, I think for sometime I have been battling with the idea of whether or not I want to pursue something different than design. Half the time I do, the other half I don't. Wishy. Washy. My poor poor husband! He doesn't know what to think when I am soooo excited and 2 hours later am completely ambivalent. Don't you feel for him?
I have been wandering around in non traditional jobs for some time now and I am somewhat resistant to getting back in to an 8 to 5 desk job doing the same thing day in and day out. Blah. But, then other times I love the idea of getting back into a professional office setting versus this make your own hours, commission style in and out all day long thing. I know this may sound whiney, especially to those of you who maybe do the job I described above or maybe I sound whiney because frankly I am not at work right now and I am at home still in my pajamas at 3:30 because although I've been busy all day I didn't have to leave the house. Well, all I can say to that is honestly, I have done the other and some days I would give anything to go back just to feel like I had some sort of identity as a professional. I would go back so I could start seeing those contributions every month into my 401K. I would go back so I had a reason to go shopping for cute business casual outfits with matching heels again. I work two days a week and I wear jeans. Hate me yet? Feel free to move on to something else why I continue to drone on...
So, what is the deal? What do I want? I really don't know. I feel like something is just going to have to land in my lap and force the decision.
So, what do I do with my time? Ask my husband - everyday he comes home to some new home improvement or home décor project via Pinterest that I am already executing. Did you read the thing about cleaning your glass shower door with half a lemon and some salt? What? I'm so trying it. I'm also painting wide horizontal stripes in my kitchen, I recently turned an old window into a piece of art hanging on the wall and I upholstered something else....
I'm keeping busy and I am so blessed to not have to decide immediately but I really wonder what will be next. Or maybe I don't?....
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