I'm not one to wax poetic, sharing my opinions on religion and politics (and of the latter I won't) but today I was caught off guard by an unlikely source and I can't help but write it down. I've been writing it down all day in my mind and now as I sit down with the keyboard in front of me, my heart is so eager to share. For some time now I have been closed off in so many ways; to other people, in my connection to God, to my purpose and passions and today a simple question made a crack in the marble exterior I've managed to form around my heart.
It's hard to explain chronic pain to someone who hasn't experienced it. Since my back injury five years ago I've been dealing with severe chronic pain. At some point when you lose hope you start to change. In short I can say that emotionally and physically I just feel...broken.
So, today when this unlikely source point blank asked me: "So, how are you dealing with this?". I paused for what seemed like minutes instead of a few moments, unsure of what to share to this person, in this setting and so taken aback because no one has asked me that before. I get plenty of "How are you feeling?"and "What is your pain level today?" but now a question of how I am getting along with what I deal with daily. Like I said before; unless you suffer from chronic pain its hard to explain. Every move, every moment, each day based on how much pain you are in and what you might be capable of doing that day. After a while the pain isn't a question, the pain medicine does what it can (until you've taken it so long that it stops working and there isn't anything strong enough to help), the massage therapist, physical therapist and doctors try new things, suggest solution after solution that ends up failing you one by one. You're spouse tries to be as understanding as humanly possible but can never really help because no one can do everything for you all the time. So you fight your own fight but everything comes at a price. You can lose your enthusiasm, good humour, patience, energy and the saddest part is you can lose your hope.
As I sat in my doctor's office and he asked me this question and the words came pouring out from this place I had secured them deep inside, my typical response of "I'm fine" and "I'm just used to it" were nowhere to be found. The tears I have been choking back for weeks as this latest situation placed me back in physical therapy and on doctor's orders to work only half days came pouring out and I just kept talking - pausing once to apologize for gushing on and on only to recieve the answer of, "I asked the question, because I wanted to know." He shared with me some of his own personal struggles in what he labeled as "The worst year of his life" and told me that he knew (although in a different context) what it was like to feel hopeless. Hopeless and broken. We talked more about those feelings and he began to share a bit of what was helping him and he shared a part of his faith with me. Some verses from the Bible that helped him and the idea that sometimes God uses tough situations to grow us into something greater. I heard him. He listened to me and I was so so very touched by the openess of someone else to share their pain with me and to try to offer an opportunity of hope. Although, it was not a medicial diagnosis, and no promise of a medical solution to my pain it was the most comfort I have received of the many many procedures and solutions I have tried. It made me realize how rare it is to connect to someone for me and how rare it is that someone opens us and reaches out to me. Just by asking me How I am dealing with this. The answer in short was this: I'm not.
His love, His faith, His hope touched my heart today. In a completely unlikely source, on a regular appointment, when I was feeling so lost. Comfort came. Listened. Heard. Softened my heart
How are you dealing with the struggles in your life?
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Today
I used to share a lot about my life. However, as I have gotten older, moved away from family and friends, I have become more and more private with the happenings of my life. The idea behind it is something akin to "Why worry anyone when I have it under control", but the end result of keeping everything private is you lose all the great connections you had. It's hard to start a new life in a new place - this is our third state and new location - trying to find your footing can take a while, or atleast it does for me. I didn't make my other lifetime friendships overnight. But, I can't keep pretending that those friends from my hometown are all I need. We rarely speak and although it's amazing when we see each other, after all these years I wonder if it matters that we don't really know who we are now. Our pasts will always there to hold us together...but I kind of wonder if we are missing out on being friends as our lives are now.
I don't know if I can really open up again. I don't know how much I want to. It's a control thing - wanting to control what people know and think about you since I'm too far away. But it extends to here as well - wanting to control how everyone sees me, which is ridiculous and impossible. So much for being a closed book.
I don't know if I can really open up again. I don't know how much I want to. It's a control thing - wanting to control what people know and think about you since I'm too far away. But it extends to here as well - wanting to control how everyone sees me, which is ridiculous and impossible. So much for being a closed book.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Things you should never be late for:
Hey there! I know I haven't written since my last bold statement of really getting back into blogging on a regular basis, but life and my crazy head always seem to get in the way. But, today I have a blog worthy bit for you:
I have been thinking (or experiencing) some situations with my EPIC lateness for everything recently. This is not a new thing for me, I have always been one to be running out the door at the last minute - or 5-10 minutes after that - . When I lived in Florida my boss pretty much told me that exact time was not crucial as far as getting there in the morning, the main point of importance would be to be consistent. And of course to make up for time as needed. This meant that if I rolled in at 8:15am it was no big deal really because it could be counted on, meaning that if someone was looking for me they would generally know that I would be there a little after 8:00.
Similar situations existed in High School when I was the one who happened to take the attendance in my first class so I could stroll in a little late, or another teacher laughed when I walked in and changed the attendance sheet. What I am trying to say I guess by all of these needless explanations of the acceptance of my natural tardiness is that I have had it easy when it comes to punctuality for most of my life.
That being noted, it used to take me an hour to get ready in the morning. Since I moved to Washington, for some reason or another (I have not yet figured it out honestly...) I cannot seem to get ready and get our the door in less than 2 hours (seriously) and in all honestly 2 1/2 is preferrable. So if I am to be at work at 8:30, I have to get up before 6:00! It's freaking ridiculous! But, in order to cut that time I have to go without things like makeup, dry hair, clothing, accessories, food, coffee. Well, for public decency purposes clothing is not one I typically go without. But I will often end up at work without earrings, breakfast and the underneath part of my hair is still wet and the top is dry and flat ironed. I am really putting it out there folks...I have a problem.
I was telling my hair stylist last week about this problem and she asked what I was doing to use all that time - we concluded that I should possibly time each activity and see what it is that I'm doing so slowly..or perhaps I am spending time just staring into space.....so enough of that- Getting back to the topic of the post which is....
Things you should not be late for:
*Please add to this list in the comment section so I can take notes...lol
1. A court appointed appearance
2. Your wedding
3. Your first day at a new job
4. Your surprise birthday party
5. A job interview
6. Your own cookout at your house
*Okay, I've got to go to work rather than stay and finish this post....I think in honor of this post I should be ON TIME for work today. I will update more things you should not be late for. Please let me know via facebook comments or here and I will add them to the list. *
And please stay tuned for my next post where I will divulge in excruciating detail how I committed the very embarrassing sin of being late to one of the very events listed above. Yup, thats how my day started...
Have a good and timely kind of day,
Moi
I have been thinking (or experiencing) some situations with my EPIC lateness for everything recently. This is not a new thing for me, I have always been one to be running out the door at the last minute - or 5-10 minutes after that - . When I lived in Florida my boss pretty much told me that exact time was not crucial as far as getting there in the morning, the main point of importance would be to be consistent. And of course to make up for time as needed. This meant that if I rolled in at 8:15am it was no big deal really because it could be counted on, meaning that if someone was looking for me they would generally know that I would be there a little after 8:00.
Similar situations existed in High School when I was the one who happened to take the attendance in my first class so I could stroll in a little late, or another teacher laughed when I walked in and changed the attendance sheet. What I am trying to say I guess by all of these needless explanations of the acceptance of my natural tardiness is that I have had it easy when it comes to punctuality for most of my life.
That being noted, it used to take me an hour to get ready in the morning. Since I moved to Washington, for some reason or another (I have not yet figured it out honestly...) I cannot seem to get ready and get our the door in less than 2 hours (seriously) and in all honestly 2 1/2 is preferrable. So if I am to be at work at 8:30, I have to get up before 6:00! It's freaking ridiculous! But, in order to cut that time I have to go without things like makeup, dry hair, clothing, accessories, food, coffee. Well, for public decency purposes clothing is not one I typically go without. But I will often end up at work without earrings, breakfast and the underneath part of my hair is still wet and the top is dry and flat ironed. I am really putting it out there folks...I have a problem.
I was telling my hair stylist last week about this problem and she asked what I was doing to use all that time - we concluded that I should possibly time each activity and see what it is that I'm doing so slowly..or perhaps I am spending time just staring into space.....so enough of that- Getting back to the topic of the post which is....
Things you should not be late for:
*Please add to this list in the comment section so I can take notes...lol
1. A court appointed appearance
2. Your wedding
3. Your first day at a new job
4. Your surprise birthday party
5. A job interview
6. Your own cookout at your house
*Okay, I've got to go to work rather than stay and finish this post....I think in honor of this post I should be ON TIME for work today. I will update more things you should not be late for. Please let me know via facebook comments or here and I will add them to the list. *
And please stay tuned for my next post where I will divulge in excruciating detail how I committed the very embarrassing sin of being late to one of the very events listed above. Yup, thats how my day started...
Have a good and timely kind of day,
Moi
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Here's what happens when the blonde side of the brain prevails...
My very dear friend (who has chosen anonymity) told me a great story today about what happened to her today.
The day had finally arrived for her court appointment for a minor traffic violation, "cell phone use while driving". She had requested the mitigation hearing in order to avoid paying the fine. The trial is set for 9:00. At 8:00 she awakes, refreshed and ready for the day....only to suddenly remember that her court date is in a short hour and she is well,....disgusting, bed raggled and so so very behind schedule. And yet in some unexplained miracle she is somewhat put together and in the car on the way to the courthouse by 8:38 exactly. Thankfully she lives not too far from the Courthouse in her town, the downside is that once she arrives she has to park so far away that she wonders if it would have taken less time to walk there from her home. She goes in the building, through security, to the touch screen directory, turns around three times, walks in the direction of the sign for the courtroom, goes through that security scan, smiles at the security guard as he asks her if she has a specific room she has a meeting in today. She answers that she is there for an appearance for a traffic violation.
This is when he tells her that she is in the wrong place, no NOT the wrong place but the wrong building entirely, in fact she is not even in the right town! She has 13 minutes before her 9:00 court time and she is in the wrong building in the wrong town.
She makes a quick escape from the Wrong Building and breaks out into a full run towards her car, which you will remember is in practically in a different zip code....
The irony does not escape her as she speeds acorss town at a speed slightly exceeding the limits...8:58....
she swirls her car into the parking spot in front of a building that she is praying under her breath is the "Right Courthouse"...9:01..... She goes through security (third time for the day!) and goes in search of the right room. She eventually finds the answer on the paper she is holding in her hand - the same one that contains the correct address for the location she is now at. At 9:07 she slides into a seat in the correct place. So much for being early. So much for being right down the street.
Now the business at hand. Of course her name had already been called - by an amazing twist of fate the judge asked if he had missed anyone and she raised her hand. He excused the ticket and only required a small court fee. She paid the fee and left much more calm than before.
One more fun twist to my friend's story. A few days later a letter came from the court that she had written the wrong amount on the check and owed five more dollars....Seriously, I'm not making this up. It was just a bad bad day to be blonde.
The day had finally arrived for her court appointment for a minor traffic violation, "cell phone use while driving". She had requested the mitigation hearing in order to avoid paying the fine. The trial is set for 9:00. At 8:00 she awakes, refreshed and ready for the day....only to suddenly remember that her court date is in a short hour and she is well,....disgusting, bed raggled and so so very behind schedule. And yet in some unexplained miracle she is somewhat put together and in the car on the way to the courthouse by 8:38 exactly. Thankfully she lives not too far from the Courthouse in her town, the downside is that once she arrives she has to park so far away that she wonders if it would have taken less time to walk there from her home. She goes in the building, through security, to the touch screen directory, turns around three times, walks in the direction of the sign for the courtroom, goes through that security scan, smiles at the security guard as he asks her if she has a specific room she has a meeting in today. She answers that she is there for an appearance for a traffic violation.
This is when he tells her that she is in the wrong place, no NOT the wrong place but the wrong building entirely, in fact she is not even in the right town! She has 13 minutes before her 9:00 court time and she is in the wrong building in the wrong town.
She makes a quick escape from the Wrong Building and breaks out into a full run towards her car, which you will remember is in practically in a different zip code....
The irony does not escape her as she speeds acorss town at a speed slightly exceeding the limits...8:58....
she swirls her car into the parking spot in front of a building that she is praying under her breath is the "Right Courthouse"...9:01..... She goes through security (third time for the day!) and goes in search of the right room. She eventually finds the answer on the paper she is holding in her hand - the same one that contains the correct address for the location she is now at. At 9:07 she slides into a seat in the correct place. So much for being early. So much for being right down the street.
Now the business at hand. Of course her name had already been called - by an amazing twist of fate the judge asked if he had missed anyone and she raised her hand. He excused the ticket and only required a small court fee. She paid the fee and left much more calm than before.
One more fun twist to my friend's story. A few days later a letter came from the court that she had written the wrong amount on the check and owed five more dollars....Seriously, I'm not making this up. It was just a bad bad day to be blonde.
Monday, January 23, 2012
I'm back.
Hello Blog World. It's me.
I have been on hiatus for going on two years now and there are so many reasons why I have not been able to sit down in front of this computer and type like I'm doing right now. No, it was not because I lost the ability to type (on the contrary, I just had carpal tunnel surgery so I am all the more able!) The reasons leading to my absence from the blogging world - and somewhat my absence to myself - are to be brutally honest; many. Yes, many. But, today's monumental post (in it being the first in such a long sabbatical, not because of its life altering content, etc) is not going to be about the whys and wheres and whats and all those other W questions we like to ask.
Today I want to dive in - head first - holding my nose (yes, this is actually the only way I can dive, thus its not really a dive so much as an awkward flop in to water- but alas this post is also not about my poor swimming and breath holding abilities) and praying hard that the words keep coming.
Please I want the words to keep coming. I have opened this site so many times these past months and stared at the empty post box, desperately wanting to fill it and yet, finding myself without words to share.
This song by Laura Story has been such a "blessing in disguise" since it first played on the radio on my way to work one morning... I wanted to add the lyrics to this post as a reminder and an encouragement, for myself and for anyone who reads this and is as lost as I have been in this ocean of life and pain and heartache that we all inevitably exist within.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
I have been on hiatus for going on two years now and there are so many reasons why I have not been able to sit down in front of this computer and type like I'm doing right now. No, it was not because I lost the ability to type (on the contrary, I just had carpal tunnel surgery so I am all the more able!) The reasons leading to my absence from the blogging world - and somewhat my absence to myself - are to be brutally honest; many. Yes, many. But, today's monumental post (in it being the first in such a long sabbatical, not because of its life altering content, etc) is not going to be about the whys and wheres and whats and all those other W questions we like to ask.
Today I want to dive in - head first - holding my nose (yes, this is actually the only way I can dive, thus its not really a dive so much as an awkward flop in to water- but alas this post is also not about my poor swimming and breath holding abilities) and praying hard that the words keep coming.
Please I want the words to keep coming. I have opened this site so many times these past months and stared at the empty post box, desperately wanting to fill it and yet, finding myself without words to share.
- I hope what is coming is an update to friends about where I have been and what I am doing and who I am.
- I hope what is coming are stories of mine and my husbands adventures in our cross country moves, first house buying experience, and the friendship that we share that transcends my biggest dreams.
- I hope what is coming are fun How To's and crafty Before & After pics of home projects and dramatic tales of home ownership and its harsh realities, disappointments and surprises - both good and bad.
- I hope what is coming is a restoration of my soul, my passions, my goals, my dreams...
This song by Laura Story has been such a "blessing in disguise" since it first played on the radio on my way to work one morning... I wanted to add the lyrics to this post as a reminder and an encouragement, for myself and for anyone who reads this and is as lost as I have been in this ocean of life and pain and heartache that we all inevitably exist within.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
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