Who knows what I want? Seriously...anyone?

Lately I have been the subject of much frustration in our household as I seem to be so unsure of what it is that I want.  Not what I want for dinner or where I want to go on vacation but bigger questions like, "What do I want to do with my life-career wise?" and my personal question of  "Do I want to have children?".  Now, I know those are some big Q's to drop on a carefree little Monday posting but it is just so confusing when I seem to change my mind every other second.  I go on a job interview and seem so excited and then afterwards I'm like; "Well, even if they offer it, I don't really know if I want it."  Where did the excitement go?  I've been thinking about it a lot and I don't know if my wishy washy (a very technical term) attitude is because I am afraid to get into a job once again that doesn't make me happy or if I just got a bad vibe and really know that's not what I want to do.  So, I think for sometime I have been battling with the idea of whether or not I want to pursue something different than design.  Half the time I do, the other half I don't.  Wishy.  Washy.  My poor poor husband! He doesn't know what to think when I am soooo excited and 2 hours later am completely ambivalent.  Don't you feel for him?
I have been wandering around in non traditional jobs for some time now and I am somewhat resistant to getting back in to an 8 to 5 desk job doing the same thing day in and day out. Blah.  But, then other times I love the idea of getting back into a professional office setting versus this make your own hours, commission style in and out all day long thing.  I know this may sound whiney, especially to those of you who maybe do the job I described above or maybe I sound whiney because frankly I am not at work right now and I am at home still in my pajamas at 3:30 because although I've been busy all day I didn't have to leave the house.  Well, all I can say to that is honestly, I have done the other and some days I would give anything to go back just to feel like I had some sort of identity as a professional.  I would go back so I could start seeing those contributions every month into my 401K.  I would go back so I had a reason to go shopping for cute business casual outfits with matching heels again.  I work two days a week and I wear jeans.  Hate me yet? Feel free to move on to something else why I continue to drone on...
So, what is the deal? What do I want? I really don't know.  I feel like something is just going to have to land in my lap and force the decision. 
So, what do I do with my time? Ask my husband - everyday he comes home to some new home improvement or home décor project via Pinterest that I am already executing.  Did you read the thing about cleaning your glass shower door with half a lemon and some salt? What?  I'm so trying it.  I'm also painting wide horizontal stripes in my kitchen,  I recently turned an old window into a piece of art hanging on the wall and I upholstered something else....
I'm keeping busy and I am so blessed to not have to decide immediately but I really wonder what will be next.  Or maybe I don't?....

What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about.

Life is Beautiful. Right? I mean, it is so unpredictable, and more than that, it is just weird.  Four years ago I was living in Florida, still pretty much a newlywed and working with a great architecture firm.  Since then I have lived in Kansas City, Kansas looking out my back patio onto a cornfield, freelance designing custom art work for a firm and oh yeah, assistant managing a retail store. Flash to Tri-Cities, Washington-home of the nuclear power plant that built the first atomic bomb- where I spent a year learning about floral design and designing window displays, a brief (very brief) stint as an Optometric Technician (lol...that just sounds ridiculous!) and now for the last year and a half been a salesperson and design consultant selling window treatments.  Like I said, weird.
It's funny too how much we change.  I am so different from who I was eight years ago.  Eight years ago is when I met my husband.  I was a senior in college, just about as busy and involved and crazy as I had been in high school four years before then.  I wonder now if that has to do with my insistency on a calm and peaceful lifestyle since then.  I have made a maybe too extreme point of ridding my life of drama.  I distance myself from any new situations in the places we live that even have a hint of leading to some horrible scenario or another that I have previously experienced.  So much so that my dear husband has long thought that I might dislike the majority of people on earth, which isn't really true, just something in me no longer has any time for nonsensical drama whereas he hasn't that view at all and is blessed to see the good in people and very rarely the bad - I so admire that but, alas I am jaded and some people just emit that aura and I tend to turn on my heel and frolic the other way. 
 I was just telling someone today how simple my life seems compared to others-and come to think of it- to my own a decade ago.  I have my husband, my two puppies and my house.  I no longer work full time (not bragging, just dealing with restructuring in the company due to new ownership). 
Wow, it might not seem so to other people, but these last two paragraphs is a lot more than I've said about my personal life in the past few years combined.  I think that's what I mean about how we change.  Even from who I was about four years ago when I was writing in this blog almost daily about anything and everything - and I could not even contain all I had to say into one blog! I had started a blog with my best friends so that we could share even more openly between ourselves and another blog that was trying to be a long distance book club.  I had an anonymous blog to share some hilarious stories about our life in Florida that I could not bring myself to write about on my normal blog and at one time I even had a wedding blog! I was addicted to sharing! Now I am wondering how I ever did all of that? At this point in my life (that sounds like a Tracy Chapman song) I am more likely to share nothing at all than even a snippet about my life.  And I hate to say this but, even in the last few times I've spent with my best friends in the world (and I must say that both were very brief) I don't think I shared much about my life at all, at least not more than I would probably share over polite dinner conversation.  It's not that I didn't want to but it's like this weird guarded thing that I have developed since living so far from everyone I grew up with-I have this need to control all outgoing information (something that is super easy to do when you live fifteen hundred miles away and only see the majority of people for a few days once a year).  For all they know (or you know) I could have a couple kids and be living in some log cabin in the mountains churning my own butter (with WiFi of course).  But, I'm not.  I am just being who I am now.  Somewhat of a recluse at times, hopelessly devoted to my adorable husband and my attention demanding fluffy dogs who I think are really the ones running the show here.  I mean, I can't leave for an hour and a half to go to the gym without kind of missing the little guys.  I'm terrified to have kids because I cannot quite imagine what I will be like then (not to mention like 5,023 other reasons).
It feels really good to be writing here again despite all those recluse and privacy needing impulses.  I don't really want to change that about myself but I think that I can stretch my wings a little bit and still be comfortable, or maybe it's good to be a little uncomfortable.  I read this saying the other day on one of those wooden blocks at TJ Max, it said "We are not here to wait for the storm to pass but to learn to dance in the rain".  TJ Max...not only great prices but inspirational truths. Right?
Well, I like to control everything but more often than not I am realizing that I have no control at all and Life is just this weird but beautiful ride.  I'm gonna go dance in some rain....wait, I forgot I live in the desert.  I guess a sprinkler will have to do.