Friday

I'm not one to wax poetic, sharing my opinions on religion and politics (and of the latter I won't) but today I was caught off guard by an unlikely source and I can't help but write it down.  I've been writing it down all day in my mind and now as I sit down with the keyboard in front of me, my heart is so eager to share.  For some time now I have been closed off in so many ways; to other people, in my connection to God, to my purpose and passions and today a simple question made a crack in the marble exterior I've managed to form around my heart.
It's hard to explain chronic pain to someone who hasn't experienced it.  Since my back injury five years ago I've been dealing with severe chronic pain.  At some point when you lose hope you start to change.  In short I can say that emotionally and physically I just feel...broken.
So, today when this unlikely source point blank asked me: "So, how are you dealing with this?". I paused for what seemed like minutes instead of a few moments, unsure of what to share to this person, in this setting and so taken aback because no one has asked me that before.  I get plenty of "How are you feeling?"and "What is your pain level today?" but now a question of how I am getting along with what I deal with daily. Like I said before; unless you suffer from chronic pain its hard to explain.  Every move, every moment, each day based on how much pain you are in and what you might be capable of doing that day.  After a while the pain isn't a question, the pain medicine does what it can (until you've taken it so long that it stops working and there isn't anything strong enough to help), the massage therapist, physical therapist and doctors try new things, suggest solution after solution that ends up failing you one by one.  You're spouse tries to be as understanding as humanly possible but can never really help because no one can do everything for you all the time. So you fight your own fight but everything comes at a price.  You can lose your enthusiasm, good humour, patience, energy and the saddest part is you can lose your hope.
As I sat in my doctor's office and he asked me this question and the words came pouring out from this place I had secured them deep inside, my typical response of "I'm fine" and "I'm just used to it" were nowhere to be found.  The tears I have been choking back for weeks as this latest situation placed me back in physical therapy and on doctor's orders to work only half days came pouring out and I just kept talking - pausing once to apologize for gushing on and on only to recieve the answer of, "I asked the question, because I wanted to know." He shared with me some of his own personal struggles in what he labeled as "The worst year of his life" and told me that he knew (although in a different context) what it was like to feel hopeless.  Hopeless and broken.  We talked more about those feelings and he began to share a bit of what was helping him and he shared a part of his faith with me.  Some verses from the Bible that helped him and the idea that sometimes God uses tough situations to grow us into something greater.  I heard him.  He listened to me and I was so so very touched by the openess of someone else to share their pain with me and to try to offer an opportunity of hope.  Although, it was not a medicial diagnosis, and no promise of a medical solution to my pain it was the most comfort I have received of the many many procedures and solutions I have tried.  It made me realize how rare it is to connect to someone for me and how rare it is that someone opens us and reaches out to me.  Just by asking me How I am dealing with this.  The answer in short was this: I'm not.
His love, His faith, His hope touched my heart today.  In a completely unlikely source, on a regular appointment, when I was feeling so lost.  Comfort came.  Listened. Heard.  Softened my heart

How are you dealing with the struggles in your life?